feeling small

In reflecting on this past year with my family, I chose the word “humbled” to summarize all that has happened in me in 2019. And mind you, humbled is much different than humble.

I hadn’t realized just how tiny my view of God was. I wasn’t aware that I have been harboring a disbelief in God’s ability (and moreover, his desire) to save the world. Why did he make two trees in the garden, if he knew he would have to come back as the hero to rescue everyone? Why does he let pain persist for so long? Like many others I am sure, I have had these questions for years and never dared to ask them. We don’t talk about doubt amongst church people very much, but I have doubted to the point of frustration and anger. When hurt and hatred and suffering in the world seem insurmountable, it’s hard to see God as good and powerful.

In the moments after avoiding and questioning God, he has sung so sweetly to me. Sometimes it's only a whispered song. "I am waiting for you. I’m here when you’re ready to talk. I never left. I am able to hold judgment and mercy equally and perfectly. When your heart breaks for the world, mine breaks even more. You may not get me completely, but you have to trust me." Moses' request to see God's glory in Exodus 33 truly resonates with me.

"'Please show me your ways that I may know you in order to find favor in your sight.' . . . And he [the Lord] said, 'I will make all my goodness pass before you and will proclaim before you my name 'The Lord.' And I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will show mercy on whom I will show mercy. But,' he said, 'you cannot see my face, for man shall not see me and live.' And the Lord said, 'Behold, there is a place by me where you shall stand on the rock, and while my glory passes by I will put you in the cleft of the rock, and I will cover you with my hand until I have passed by.'"

All I have to say to you is this: God is real. And I don’t like everything he chooses to do, but he is good. When I traveled to see the other side of the United States and the world, he was there with his people, and he was in control. He showed up in ways that my mind could not comprehend, providing shelter and protection and comfort and salvation and love for people all over the world.

So in commemoration of the lessons God has been teaching me in 2019, here is a random collection of travel photos with people being small.

Kadoma, ZIMBABWE (The Answer Is Within) | Travel

Going to Zimbabwe for 10 days validated a truth for me: Africa doesn’t need America (or any foreign source of saviors for that matter). I feel so blessed to have seen with my own eyes the inherent skill, leadership, and camaraderie that exists within their country.

Lasting Impressions leadership camp activities

But after the trip, I am equally aware that the long term impact of trips like mine often rests not in the painted walls or loved-on babies that teams leave behind, but instead in the hearts and lives of the team-members going forward. Don’t get me wrong, I know God uses the prayers and time spent to uplift and benefit the people we encounter as well; I just don’t flatter myself that it’s essential for me to go. It is a privilege to travel into a person’s life for one day or week, share and learn about them, and then fly back to my comfy home.

Why do I get to do that? It feels unfair. Learning and connecting through travel is something I love, and I believe being engaged in missional work is important because Jesus commanded it. Still, it leaves me with so many questions as to how we go about it.

The cities that we visited in Zimbabwe (Harare, Kadoma, and Chegutu) showed me a world of beauty unlike anything I have ever seen. Just like any culture, they have been enriched by the sharing of ideas between other cultures; but what I saw so vividly in the eyes of these children is that the answer is within.

I love looking at this picture. I think it’s my favorite one from the whole trip.

While we were there, we didn’t necessarily “do” a list of good, but we surely saw it. I got to see the most beautiful examples of leadership being cultivated within the community. We as Americans may think of missions and foreign teams as doing the good, but that is not the case. The real work is done by the people every day.

An early childhood development teacher at Jairos Jiri, a school for blind children

Zimbabwean men and women, white and black, are raising up the next generation to problem solve in resourceful and effective ways, engaging their collective minds in teamwork and racial reconciliation, and boldly facing challenges head on. I have so much respect for them!

Lasting Impressions camp owner/mentor/speaker extraordinaire

Preschoolers with a Lasting Impressions camp leader

In thinking about the impact of my trip in particular, a few questions have been rolling around in my head. I don’t have the answers, and I don’t know that there are hard fast answers for any situation. One question I have been asking is this: How can we as outsiders partner with local organizations in third world countries so that our relationship builds them up from within (supporting its existing teachers and leaders) rather than building up ourselves? That question was not fully formed before I went, but it was the root of why I knew God told me to go on this trip. My team’s goal was to focus on asking God how he wants us to partner in the work he is doing, and that is the question we are still evaluating now that we are back.

God commanded every single one of his followers to “go and make disciples of all nations,” so if you’re a Christian, we are all called in that sense to be engaged in missions. But what does it look like? Sitting and sharing a meal with your next door neighbor from Saudi Arabia? Traveling and forming friendships with people from around the globe? Adopting an orphaned child in your own city? All of these could be valid options. The cool thing is, God has been reminding me that he will help me know what my part is in all of this is. It’s really not about us. It’s all about what he is doing. I’m glad we humans get to be a part of such a grand story.

Food for thought for myself and any other follower of Jesus: When you see people in need of Jesus, but you don’t know what your role is, ask God. Don’t shy away from travel or international adoption, if he tells you to go, and don’t force it if his answer is no.